Winning Your Child with Bottle Feeding

I think we can learn a lot about the Will of God by studying nature. The natural way to feed a baby is nursing. Nursing requires frequent feedings and physical closeness and only the mother can nurse the baby. Grandma, daddy, siblings cannot nurse the new baby. A nursing mother knows that if she offers her baby a bottle too often her milk supply will dry up. Occasionally, the nursing mother may find herself in a position in which she must give the baby a bottle, if the baby will accept it! I think the experience of the nursing mother provides a good guideline to follow.

In winning your child over to your trust, one is also laying the foundation for the spiritual life. A child’s first lesson in the love of God comes from the example set by the parents. Ultimately, a child who is well bonded to his mother, who turns to her for all his needs, who does not have an exaggerated idea of his independence will learn that he is dependent upon God for his every breath. The stakes are very high.

Here’s the tough but important point in adoption attachment:
No one feeds the baby except the mother.

I realize this can be a difficult request, but remember that time is short. The methods of bonding with your child, especially a traumatized child work best when the child can appreciate his dependence upon you. It becomes a different ball game when the child can do things on his own. While you can meet all the needs of your baby, capitalize upon this. This is very difficult to enforce. Well meaning grandparents, aunts and cousins love to hold and feed babies. In the beginning (especially) it is critical for the mother alone to feed the baby. (Try to think of yourself as a nursing mother.)

Include eye contact
The attachment specialist taught me to never give a bottle to a newly adopted (older) baby without insisting upon eye contact. (I wish this piece of information were available to every adoptive parent. This makes all the difference in the world.) Tap your nose, tap his nose, make clucking noises, try to draw his attention to your eyes. It is so important to insist on eye contact that one should even remove the bottle from the (older) baby and listen to ear piercing crying. (Buy a set of ear plugs.) This seems very mean. But, if this is a child who is not looking at you or cannot sustain looking at you he is lost and withdrawing into himself. He feels abandoned and totally alone. Providing the physical nourishment coupled with eye contact teaches the child that you will provide for him. You will make him feel better. He can trust you.

This advice includes night feedings. Flip on the light and let your new baby know that the source of his physical AND emotional food is you.

This same rule applies to the pacifier. Use the pacifier as a method of promoting eye contact. Please don’t allow the child to go for extended time alone with a pacifier. I know that children like this cry a considerable amount. Parenting is a marathon – we have to go the distance. If you just need a break – fine – no one will deny that this is tough work. But, the goal is to encourage eye contact. It is much easier now when they are little. Consider making the sacrifices now so that you avoid deeper problems later. Can these strategies be employed with a four year old? Not really – Time is short. Win your baby early!

The Baby does NOT hold the bottle.
The child must be taught that you will provide for them. Even if the child can hold the bottle do not allow this. Put your hand on the bottle and he may cover your hand. Hold his hand and rest the bottle on your chest. I hold the baby in the sling or in a nursing position

Mothers tend to get “earthy” and say embarrassing things, forgive me if the following is too earthy. But, try sucking on your own finger. There is a difference in feeling skin against skin from skin against plastic bottle. The bottle fed baby is missing some important sense information. Try to make up for this by stroking your baby’s hair, kissing his face often or by kissing his hands while feeding.

(more soon)